Realization...the Aftermath of Haiti

As I reflect on my trip to Haiti I am utterly dumbfounded at the person that left the USA and the person I

now look at in this reflection before me. Of only one of the many life changing occurrences in this heart of mine, lies but one secret that I locked up so tight that I wasn't even aware that a key was available to unlock this within me! You see ever since I was but a youth, the reflection I envisioned and beheld in the mirror was one that needed daily discretion as well as many daily nods of disapproval in my minds eye. For instance..me "Well this is fat..this is bad" etc. I understand that God formed me. I understand that all too well. I know what the Bible states. Also I know what every TV commercial and every magazine and every check-out in America says to me. Myself (especially a woman), I would think that the lies within my own head would abate after 41 years, but it only worsened. The amazing thing about going to Haiti, a third world country, is seeing that many of them found beauty in so little.

They found God's creation beautiful. I had a Haitian woman come up to me and my daughter, grab our faces, stroke our shoulders, caress our hair and speak in such loving and pointed way. She states over and over "Tre' Bell", meaning beautiful.

Tre'Bell (beautiful) Haitian woman

When I looked into her  beautiful brown eyes, I felt as if God was saying directly to my feminine heart, yes Tracy you are beautiful, you are here for a purpose to fulfill for Me, I am a jealous God, you are mine and your full, whole purpose is to serve Me and fulfill my directives for your life. I mean "wow!" Here I thought I was going to this country to help the Haitians and what a work God was doing within me! The key to this part of my life was found, the door was opened and junk and yuckiness revealed itself. God began that very day to heal me.

 What an experience to be with these people that love you, hug you, and yes even try to barter for my clothing I was wearing! They have little, yet they have more than most people here in America! They serve God, my Abba Father with all they have! They even sing a song about the Holy Spirit using every part of their bodies to

Hands holding the world in Haiti

worship the Lord! What a healing balm to my soul! Going to Haiti has undoubtedly made me a better person. Bringing this kind of worship and self acceptance has helped my relationship with my Lord and my earthly relationships as well. 


As I have been reading this week in the book of James, chapter 4 verse 8, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands you  sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." How double minded I left America and I realize a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways. It is good to know that the Lord has given me direction towards medical missions and although I struggle daily being double minded, I know that today I will keep my mind on the Lord and let Him direct my path. As Tolkein wrote in the book  Lord of the Rings  "Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it!" I end this with Tre' Bell!

Me with some of our translators in Haiti

Journal Entry about Leaving Haiti

I feel so overwhelmed by emotions because I am leaving this amazing place. There is a stirring within the very core of my being that I can not describe. A stirring or " awakening" that has been lost for a long time or quite possible has never been present in my life and in my very being. I write with such awe and humility of these of events of this past week. I am struggling even writing this. When I was in Bigarade helping with the sports camp this week, I seen so much hunger. Children coming and asking for food. I could offer them nothing. That feeling of complete and utter helplessness makes me question my abilities of constant conditions of "fixing" things. I can not fix Bigarade's malnutrition.

 I come now my dear Lord with hands wide open asking You, the mighty provider to help Bigarade. Help them heal spiritually. Help them to know that the God that created all things has power above empty bellies. You have power above grieving hearts and sick babies. You are an amazing Father an d You promise to supply all of our need. Help me to remember as I eat and before, of the little boy who licked the inside of a potato chip bag for ten minutes, how bountifully blessed I really am. Help to strengthen my spirit and I pray it will wax strong for You so I might be, just be, and serve you. I shall return to Haiti, by my Gods grace and sufficiency I shall return to you in order to once again be in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ  there. 

Haiti journal entry #1

Sampson with his microphone

I am trying to begin this journal in this beautiful place full of love, hugs and smiles from these orphans and the children at Bigarade. This is a missions trip that I believed I was suppose to be on proclaiming the love of our father God but somehow in the mix of this great "mission" I have lost my heart to the Haitians. Yes no doubt they are poor, living in very poor and dirty conditions, but somehow they are so much richer than I ! They are happy in whatever state they are in. I find this almost breathtaking yet so very life changing! For me I can not say I am content in whatever state I am in. I have lost serenity in my daily life. I have lost that knowing God is just there, beside me, in me, breathing within, desiring me to have the abundant life He offers. A life of contentment in whatever state. Samson, an orphan that can't even move or walk has a microphone he sings into proclaiming God's name and just simply sharing his contentment in whatever state he is in. Convicting to my soul, undoubtedly. 

Vitamins hanging on a Prayer & a Little Duct Tape

So I begin this post with the craziest titles..right? Right! I took vitamins with me, 47 pounds of vitamins to be exact, to Haiti this summer. I had a brown suitcase that was given to me and it was old...did I mention that suitcase was old? I prayed over that suitcase and worried that the vitamins would be lost in the belly of an American Airlines jet! I could just picture that..children s chew-able and gummy vitamins hanging on for dear life in the belly of a plane!

Here goes the story...I felt God asking me to take vitamins to the orphanage I was to stay at in Haiti. I prayed again...He said vitamins. So I asked at church and my plea to attain vitamins was announced weekly in the church bulletin. As June came closer and I only had about 10 bottles in donations I began to pray again. God said ask your nursing colleagues to help! Wow...this is great! So I went to the nursing administrator of my school and she was behind the idea 100%! I announced that day the need for vitamins and by the next day the vitamins began to pour into the classroom! I can not begin to tell you how my heart began to swell with this outpouring of love for these Haitian children and the need for medications and vitamins!


So this brings me back to American Airlines and the suitcase with 47 pounds of children's vitamins in it. I was standing in line preparing to check the suitcase in when I noticed a lady with very nice luggage, duct taping her suitcase with bright, neon orange tape. I watched her for several minutes and God said to me ( not verbally, but in my spirit) go and ask that woman if you can borrow her tape to tape up this suitcase. I'm like..what?? I have never flown on a commercial flight and now in the frenzy of everything You want me to go and ask this lady for her tape!? Really God...I just felt so weird about asking her for the tape. The feeling was so strong that I finally caved and went over to her, in front of everyone, and asked to use her tape. She just nonchalantly tossed the tape at me and said sure. So I frantically began to tape the suitcase up so I didn't hold up the line behind me. I taped and taped.


I didn't see the suitcase again until I got to the Haitian airport and I was so nervous about those vitamins spilling into the plane and the age of the suitcase that they were in, but as I looked around..there was my brown suitcase! Everything intact, but upon inspection the clasps at the top had come undone...the only thing that kept the suitcase from opening up was the orange duct tape. I cried a bit and then exclaimed to all the people I was with " The vitamins made it to Haiti!"

When I got to the orphanage that we were staying at I went to Miriam. Miriam began the orphanage 30 years ago and has such an amazing spirit and heart about her. I told her that I had a suitcase with 47 pounds of vitamins in it for the children and I also explained to her that God had told me that the vitamins were needed there. She began to tear up and she thanked me for listening to God. A new orphanage was opening up and she actually was going to it that week while I was there. She said the children were very, very sick in that orphanage and that many people had been praying for vitamins for the children there.


Humbling...truly and to all those who donated... friends and family alike.. I want to thank you! I want you all to know that you served a bigger purpose than you could ever imagine with a small bottle of children's vitamins. God used you and there is nothing greater in this life than to be used for a purpose bigger than ourselves and bigger than we can ever imagine! I pray this blesses you!

This Way or That...That is the Question!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” 
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!


Really thinking about this excerpt from the Dr. Seuss book..."Oh the Place You'll Go!"..gets me wondering if we really do decide where we go? We can choose the path, but the Lord tells us in Jeremiah that He knows our future. 


My family and I are definitely at some crossroads as of lately. We are going to Haiti in November, my husband and I, are. My daughter will join us down in Haiti the second week we will be there. We are excited and it felt more real to me when we finally went and began the passport processing yesterday. My daughter just got back only but a couple of weeks ago and she blessed our hearts with the stories and pictures from there. It was as if a fire that long ago went out was rekindled and lit. 


When I was but fifteen years old, I felt the leading that I was to be a missionary. I even looked into some Bible colleges and sent off for some literature. That year of my sophomore year of high school was a tough year for me. I felt so distant from everything and was really beginning to ask God what He wanted to do with me...what direction was I suppose to be going. But as teenagers are, that was fleeting and then came marriage at the age of eighteen. I had all four of my beautiful children by the ripe age of twenty nine. 


Here I am now thirty nine years old and am finally going to see the need for the Lord in other countries! I am excited and scared all in one, but as I sat tonight in the choir, I thought of that fifteen year old girl that had wondered if missions was the calling from God...and it is quite overwhelming to hear my Father say to me in that small still voice tonight.."Haiti is your mission." I am actually trembling typing this only because it feels unsure and unsafe to type that, but I know that I will come back to the USA a different person..I have seen my daughters metamorphosis and it is so beautiful!

I know the safest thing to type here tonight is that I am sure of one thing, and that is my salvation and assurance through my Jesus...and He promises to never leave nor forsake me, so that is comforting. In which direction He points, will be the door I walk through, knowing that He came and calls  the weak to be strong, the lame to walk again, the blind to see, the weary to unload all their burdens, the sick to trust, the tired to not be weary in well doing, the bitter to let go, the angry to release, the hungry to be filled, the thirsty to never thirst again, the hopeless to find hope in His promises, the sinner to come to repentance and the directionless to seek and He will show you the path.